I sometimes hear from spouses who want to give some kind of gift to express how sorry they are for cheating or having an affair. And yet everything they consider seems wrong. They want the perfect object that shows their sincerity in moving forward. But they’re not sure what’s appropriate.
I heard from a husband who said, “I cheated on my wife and she found out. To be honest, I thought about leaving my wife and being with the other woman. But once my wife found out and I saw the pain my actions caused her, I changed my mind. Seeing her so vulnerable made me remember the woman I first fell in love with and I decided I owed it to both of us to try to save our marriage. Much to my shock, she agreed to give me the chance. The fact that she is willing to give me another chance makes me humble. I want to buy her something to show her how grateful I am. I asked one of her best friends what she might like and the friend told me that I’m treading thin ground because my wife will read too much into anything I might choose. Is she right? I don’t know what to do at this point.
What Your Spouse Really Wants: While I find it touching when a spouse wants to show love to the other, I agreed with the friend that making the wrong decision could make things worse. I have to be honest now. As a spouse who has been cheated on, I can tell you that your spouse does not want jewelry or another piece of jewelry. What your spouse really wants is to get their marriage back. They want to feel like they can trust you again. They want reassurance that you still desire them and that you will not cheat again. They want to feel your genuine affection. They want you to do whatever you have to do to help them heal or recover from them. Honestly, those things would be more meaningful than any piece of jewelry could ever be.
Make sure each gift shows your spouse how much you understand and appreciate them: I understand and respect that you want to make a gesture to show your spouse how important they are to you and how committed you are to moving forward. In this case, you need to seriously consider it. You don’t want to send the wrong idea. You don’t want to just give them a “gift of guilt” that you haven’t thought very deeply about. Many men will think they are covered if they only buy their wife expensive jewelry. I suppose that works for some women, but many wives will assume you think you can just buy your way out and that’s not the message you want to send.
In my experience and opinion, you’re better off finding something that shows your spouse that you know them intimately and want to reconnect with them in this way. You might find something symbolic of your early relationship. Perhaps you can find something to remind your spouse of your honeymoon, or a trip, or a hobby that you both share that is meaningful to you. Honestly, this will be very individual for each woman. The gift is to show her that you know what is important and important to her because you listen to her and because you understand her.
I will share with you one of the most meaningful gifts my husband has ever given me. Shortly after his infidelity, my mother became very ill. I had to spend a lot of time in hospitals and it was emotionally draining, although I wouldn’t have preferred to be anywhere because I wanted to support my mother. My husband called my stepfather and asked him to relieve me for just a day or two. When I got home, my husband had set up a hammock in our backyard and bought a book that was important to us early in our marriage. He wanted me to take some time to enjoy the book in the hammock. This gift was not expensive at all. But it showed that my husband really understood what would be restorative for me. And he cleaned up his calendar so we could spend some time together in this place. That meant more to me than any piece of jewelry ever could.
Obviously what matters to your wife will be different than what matters to me. But when you listen to your heart and discover what might mean something to your spouse, it’s a gesture that’s likely to be greatly appreciated.
