We all have love stories which we see in our daily lives. Even many of us might be having one in our life. Every love story and every relationship starts in the same way. Two people meet. They get to know each other. They start falling for each other. And before they know it, they have fallen head over heels in love, and only think about the bright, happy future they have ahead of them.
Unfortunately, things might start on a good note, but not all relationships have a happy ending; some relationships gradually end up becoming one-sided with time.
One must make sure that we are in a healthy relationship or not. It means that both the partners work together and give equal efforts to make the relationship a success if we are in a healthy one. There are signs that we might be getting when we are in a toxic or unhealthy relationship. When one realises that only we are putting in all the efforts, and only we are interested in making our relationship work, and our partner isn’t, then we must know that things are slowly unraveling. If our partner is just sitting idly while we are carrying the whole relationship on our shoulders, it’s not fair to us.
Before things go further downhill, and one ends up with a broken heart, we must look for a few signs that point towards the fact that our relationship is becoming or has already become one-sided.
When this happens, we end up on relationship autopilot, making excuses for unacceptable behaviors, ignoring the warning signs that we are in an unhealthy relationship. When our partner disappoints us yet again, we get angry, then we make another excuse, then we stay.
Denial is the first reaction of a normal human being when they cannot accept reality. So is the case with the relationship. When we deny what we need, who our partner is, whether or not we are happy, we are lying to ourselves. Women, especially, are good at doing this to themselves. We see only what we want to see, and explain away the rest.
The lies we tell ourselves and others begin to sound believable, as we desperately try to convince everyone that we are happily in love. It becomes easier to deceive ourselves than to face the truth.
There are times when we believe that we can somehow change our partner, and make them the person we want and need them to be.
We assume that no matter what their history, somehow they will behave differently from us. We cling to romantic notions of what love “should” feel and look like, and ignore our intuition when our reality doesn’t align with our fantasy.
The deep feelings of inadequacy are at the core of shame. It becomes very toxic with time. People tend to feel unworthy, unlovable and disconnected from others. When people grow up being invalidated and misunderstood, they already are on the path to feeling that they don’t deserve much of anything.
Self-esteem is a very important aspect of our personality. Low self-esteem is often a result of shame. Children who grow up in families where their needs are not met, validated, or even acknowledged, often end up feeling that what they need isn’t important, or that they are not even worthy of getting what they need. In many cases, they even end up sabotaging their relationships with controlling, rescuing, or even people-pleasing behaviours.
Dependence is a bad thing, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t depend on anyone. What we deserve is a healthy connection with a dependable partner.
But extreme dependence where our existence doesn’t seem worth it without our partner is unhealthy. In conclusion, we cannot recognise our wholeness and completeness. We get into relationships feeling like half a person.
Emptiness results when our needs for nurturing, attachment, and empathy are not met. The children of such families tend to feel abandoned, and that feeling can persist into adulthood.
Emptiness can manifest itself as depression, anxiety, chronic loneliness, and isolation.