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For a relationship to culminate in a successful, long-term, committed union, a five-step relationship-building process must be acknowledged, understood, and followed.
The five necessary steps to a long-term relationship
The path from initial initiation to a long-term commitment relationship goes through five distinct relationship phases: (1) Step 1: The Transitional Relationship, (2) Step 2: The Recovery Relationship, (3) Step 3: The Pre-Commitment Relationship, (4) Step 4: The committed relationship and (5) Step 5: The marital relationship. (For a discussion of relaxing, predetermined, and committed relationships, see David Steele, Conscious partner search, (Campbell, CA, RCN Press, 2008). For the classic description of a predetermined relationship, see David Steele, Conscious partner search(Campbell, CA, RCN Press, 2008, 301-319).
This article addresses the third step in the relationship building process, Step 3: The Predetermined Relationship
That Predetermined Relationship is the time for logical analysis
While the recreational relationship emphasizes the contribution of your heart and intuition, the pre-determined relationship emphasizes the role that logic plays in building a relationship.
A predetermined relationship focuses on systematically determining whether your basic requirements for a long-term relationship are being met.
goal and motivation. The goal of a predetermined relationship is to decide if someone is a “good match.” The source of motivation that drives a predetermined relationship is the question, “Will living with this person give me what I want?” require in a relationship?”
The roles you and your partner play. You and your partner are expected to be friends who are willing and able to talk openly about what you need in a long-term relationship.
The essence of a predetermined relationship. The “feeling” in the predetermined phase is one of concentrated thoughtfulness and logical analysis. You get crystal clear clarity about what your non-negotiable requirements for a long-term relationship are and determine whether the relationship with your partner can be right Everyone your requirements.
requirements for a relationship
At the heart of the predetermined step is knowing your requirements and communicating them to your partner.
Requirement is something, that got to provided by your partner if you want the relationship to work. Steele uses the analogy for the needs of air, water, and food as requirements for sustaining life in the human body. The absence of even one of the three would result in death. Likewise, the absence of even one thing that you consider a requirement for a relationship will sooner or later destroy the relationship. (David Steele, Conscious partner search(Campbell, CA, RCN Press, 2008, p. 90)).
Potential problems with a pre-established relationship
The two most common ways we fail at the precommitted step are (1) we either don’t know What our requirements are or do not realize how important it is to respect their need, and (2) we just skip that step altogether and go straight to the engaged relationship step, as if we could intuit the needs of the other. We can not.
Failure to identify and test your non-negotiable requirements. After I got divorced the first time, a friend wanted to “fix me up.” She asked me what I wanted in a potential partner. I told her that I needed (1) someone who had been divorced before – so she could empathize with what I had been through, and (2) someone who had children – so she wouldn’t be threatened by my parental love. This list of two requirements proved to be a good start, but it left out another 5 or 6 that I wasn’t aware of at the time, which ultimately led to my second marriage failing.
Skip it altogether. Everything feels right during the leisure relationship. It feels as if you were in a committed relationship. It also feels as if you are so matched that a discussion of your requirements is not necessary, and in fact it would be downright offensive to your partner to bring up the issue. So you don’t bring up the subject at all. You just ride the euphoria and tell yourself that you have found the perfect partner, your soulmate, and skipping the pre-determined step is no problem.
This is a dangerous roll of the dice. Occasionally it works. Mostly not. Never discussing requirements or jumping straight from a casual relationship to a committed relationship seriously jeopardizes the success of your relationship.
So what’s the point?
Make damn sure make the time to identify your requirements – Everyone from them. Then you stubbornly insist that the two of you share them with each other.
Then, and this is the tricky part, you spend an extended amount of time together (often 12 to 18 months) to ensure that your and your partner’s needs can actually be met in a relationship together.
This is what most failing marriages can trace to the root cause. Take the predetermined step seriously. Your relationship future depends on it.
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