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Have you ever wondered why you never see fat vampires in the movies?
Aside from all the teenage vampire love stories and exotic Hollywood vampires with European accents, I haven’t seen any overweight vampires. (OK, maybe the really big one in the first Blade movie starring Wesley Snipes.) Even the really crazy ugly ones are often gaunt, sinewy, or ripped with sinewy muscles. Even the beautiful fictional character Vampirella is incredibly strong. (But she’s from another planet, so she’s coming out.)
When you think about the vampire’s metabolism and lifestyle, it makes perfect sense. They usually wake up starved and fully motivated to sneak around in the shadows and pounce on unsuspecting victims. They sometimes use the hypnotic eye trick to subdue weak-willed humans before sinking their fangs into them.
Otherwise, there’s plenty of sneaking around, chasing people, climbing buildings, breaking into places, and dodging rampaging vampire killers. And the manhunt takes place in all weathers. Rain, snow, sleet, fog (fog is actually good), thunder showers and hot, muggy nights. They don’t take breaks, sit by the fireplace, watch TV, or hang out at the bar (although that’s a good place to meet people). And vampires can’t just go to the grocery store to buy junk food. They must get their blood ration, starve, or hibernate.
And they get their sleep. Hours of uninterrupted sleep. No wonder they’re ready to go when they wake up. None of the vampire stories I’ve read, seen, or heard have been about 24-hour vampires. Being hypersensitive to sunlight, they had to work strict night shifts and sleep all day. Even after the longest night of stalking and hunting prey, and sometimes fighting and escaping a few vengeful humans, the vampire still had plenty of time for a nap. Often more than 12 hours at a time. exercise, eat, sleep. Three ingredients for longevity were inherent in the vampiric lifestyle.
And you’ve never heard of any of them eating junk food, candy, pastries, or high-sugar breakfast cereals, smoking cigarettes, or drinking pop or alcohol, right? (Well, the vampire played by Colin Farrell in the 2011 remake Terrible night I had a beer.) No, it was a strict diet with iron-rich blood, lots of exercise in the dark, and deep sleep. That’s probably why the undead beings never had to go to the dentist or doctor unless the vampires wanted a snack.
Now I don’t advocate that kind of lifestyle, especially the late nights and blood drinking. Unless you have photophobia or a condition like XP (Xeroderma pigmentosum), you will be missing out on the benefits of sunlight. Drinking blood is dangerous because the blood can carry pathogens, is difficult to digest, and contains too much iron (leading to hemochromatosis), which can damage internal organs. And all that sneaking around in the dark and attacking people will make you unpopular and maybe get you jailed.
But I wholeheartedly support the natural, functional fitness exercises, deep breathing, body alignment, and several other factors that the vampire lifestyle can emulate.
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