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He says he’s looking for a relationship. He wants to meet someone to settle down with and share his life with.
Then why the hell is he dating women who don’t even live in the same state? Did he already have every available woman in his state? Or even his country?
As internet dating has become a more socially acceptable norm, long-distance relationships are on the rise. It’s hard enough for an already established couple to transition from a relationship where they see each other often and easily to long-distance and survive. When you start a relationship remotely, it’s even harder. So why at all? Isn’t this notion of additional difficulties and problems apparent to the men involved in these types of relationships? Did it occur to you? It’s one thing if you’re planning on relocating to this area in the near future, but if you’re not, then why bother with anything that involves added risk and less safety net?
For scammers, male whores, gamers, and commitment phobics, the long-distance relationship is a godsend. You can be anyone you want to be on the internet and you can hide almost every detail of your life. A man can tell you that he lives in a 4 bedroom house in a quiet town, works as an architect and goes to church every Sunday. How do you know any of this is true? Even if he sent you photos of the house, he could have taken photos of a friend’s house, or this house could have been his before the foreclosure and he now lives with his mother and father again.
He works as an architect? How do you know it even WORKS? He can tell you he does, but how do you know? You have to take him at his word and cross your fingers and hope he didn’t lie to you. Someone in your family has lied to you at some point in your life, right? Someone you were close friends with lied to you at some point in your life, right? Hasn’t a man lied to you at least once in your life? But you expect that person to be 100% honest when the situation itself makes it so easy to lie or hide information?
Basically, the consequences for HIM if he lies is never to hear from you again. Big thing. No offense, but big deal. He knew you would find out eventually anyway, so he kept himself emotionally distant to a degree. What are the consequences for you? Do you feel cheated? Foolish? You can even spend some money on plane tickets or gas to visit that person. Shouldn’t everything they say be taken with a grain of salt? A pillar of salt?
When you sign up for a long-distance relationship, shouldn’t you already be asking yourself what will happen as this “relationship” progresses? Which one of you will be the one who needs to MOVE?? You? You will give up your whole life for a relationship? What about your home, friends, family, children, work, etc.?
If you want to root out all that and risk all that, you need to do a background check on this guy and ask him for a copy of his credit report. Also, don’t feel bad or sneaky about doing it. This is your life we are talking about and you have too much to lose. You have to visit him at his place of residence (no hotel) and see how he lives. You have to ask him to show you where he works and meet some of his colleagues to make sure he has the job he says he has. You need to meet up with his friends and family so you know THEY KNOW you exist. When you talk to his friends and family, you don’t have to talk about yourself, you need to talk about HIM. Let her know what you like about him based on the things he’s told you and see her reactions. If you tell them you’re so excited that he’s been living abroad and they give you a quizzical look as if you’re from Mars, you’ll know he lied.
Protect yourself beforehand, because by the time you risk everything you care about for this man, it will be too late and the consequences can be devastating.
One player made it with a long distance relationship. He can text you and 10 other women the same gibberish. He may tell you that he will be traveling abroad for work, when in reality he is spending time with another woman. As far as you know, he can live with another woman! For all you know he could be married to another woman!! Did you do a background check? Why not? Did he give you his address? If so, did you send things home to him? You should do that, and make sure you’ve included a Cutsey-Wootsey card so a woman who lives there with him will rip his face off FOR you.
Does he often talk to you at night? If he only contacts you during the day, he’ll have the evenings free to be with another woman, right? Men cheat on women they live with, are married/engaged to, how hard do you think it is for them to cheat with a woman from another state? You can’t drive past his house, you don’t spend time at his house, you have no way of really knowing WHAT he’s doing. In such situations one has to be more cautious, more cynical and less trusting.
And don’t give me that bullshit about being too negative and missing out on something great. The chances that it IS something grand are slim, the chances that you’ll be treated to royalty are astronomical. So if you’re going to take that risk, why not do a little detective work to protect yourself?
A background check is to ensure he is not married, lives where he says he does, any criminal record he may have, etc. This is information you should know. You don’t read his diary. This is public information that you can find out from the County Clerks Office if you RESIDE in his town. So get over your guilt for not trusting him enough to check him out. Trust has to be earned, and it can be earned with a background check confirming that everything he says is true. Trust should NOT be earned by sending you deep emails or long phone calls.
Now what if that person wants to move to where you are? Let me guess he won’t get his OWN spot and then start the NORMAL process of meeting you and then see where it goes. No, most of the time he moves into YOUR house. with YOUR things. Maybe with YOUR children. And you still don’t think you should get him checked out? WHY???
I’m sure you know his sweet side and I’m sure he’s been very nice to you, but how do you live with him? You don’t know until he lives with you, do you? How is it when he’s angry at someone or during a fight? You don’t know that until it happens, do you? Don’t you think you should find out if he’s been arrested for domestic violence or god forbid he’s a pedophile you’re inviting into YOUR house to meet your kids?
Pedophiles, rapists and men who commit domestic violence do not have a scarlet letter on their chests. You don’t look like the boogeyman. They look like everyone else, have different economic backgrounds and different intellectual levels. Don’t think you know how someone looks, acts, or sounds. Not you. And let’s say he looks good, have you thought about what happens if it doesn’t work out? Are you ready to kick his butt off right away, or are you letting him stay because you feel guilty or he feels sorry for you? After all, he did it all for YOU, so how can you just kick him out?
You can, and you should, if it gets bad enough. You didn’t force him to do anything he didn’t want, and you both should have known (if you’re over 12) that there was a chance (a bigger one you wanted to believe at the time) that this wouldn’t work out. So if it doesn’t work out, end it as soon as possible and get that person out of your house.
A commitment phobia has made it in a long distance relationship. There are men who really don’t want what a traditional relationship entails. They don’t want to have to see the person every week, they don’t want to have to spend every holiday with them, they don’t want to have to answer to someone, they don’t want to have to say no to their friends or give up some of their freedom. These guys INTENDED to get into long distance relationships because they can still come and go as they please, they don’t have to account to anyone for their comings and goings. They can date other women if they want because their “girlfriend” won’t find out and the woman they’re dating can’t land them because she tells them “sorry, I already have a girlfriend”. They can make plans with their friends because they can’t make plans with YOU. You have almost complete freedom.
He wants to watch the game with his buddies instead of spending Sunday with you? Oh right, he can’t spend Sunday with you anyway, so you can’t be mad at him. Pretty cool for him, right? Long distance relationships should be called long distance booty calls in some cases. I know what you’re going to say that he emails you wonderfully, talks to you on the phone all the time, blah blah blah. He’s making plans for your future, blah blah blah. Let me tell you a little secret: he has no intention of having a future with you. The guys playing this game will come up with excuse after excuse not to marry you and neither of you will budge at this point. When you finally get fed up and throw a tantrum, the relationship is over and he can find another victim.
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